Panic! at the MRI

I was scheduled for a brain MRI today. It did not go well.

I don't know why, but over the last year or two, I've developed a bad case of claustrophobia. As a kid, I could wiggle my way into the crawl space under the house, shimmy under the bed, or hide in the cabinet under the sink during a game of hide and seek. But lately, I can't seem to even think about being in an enclosed space without starting to choke or get dizzy.

As I sat in the waiting area, I started to get a little anxious. So, I just started telling myself that this was ridiculous and that I would be fine. And I kept repeating -"You'll be fine" to myself quietly until they came to get me. Then, they made me sit in another waiting area, and I found the lights to be incredibly bright - almost blinding. And so I continued to tell myself that it was all in my mind, that I would be fine, that I was an adult and knew better than to worry, that people did this 1,000s of times a day all over the world and they were all fine. But you know - logic doesn't always work well against anxiety.

Finally, it is my turn, and I started tearing up before I even sat down on the table. The technician asked if I was going to be OK, and I told her that I just had to breathe a few times and I would be OK.

I lied.

The minute my back hit the table and my head went into the holder, I started to choke. It was like my throat was swollen shut. So, I sat back up again. She told me it would only last 8 minutes, and I told myself that 8 minutes was nothing. And so back on the table I went. And the throat thing happened again - only this time accompanied by tunnel vision. I tried to breathe and repeated my "You'll be OK" mantra, but then she snapped the helmet over my face and I completely lost my s***. It was at once the most embarrassing and the most traumatic thing I can recall happening to me in a long time.

Fortunately, the technician was at least sweet about it. She said that I wasn't the first person that this ever happened to. Heck, apparently I wasn't even the first person that had happened to today. But still, I felt like an idiot.

Now I have to call my doctor in the morning to see if he will give the orders to have me sedated for the next attempt. But just thinking about - with drugs or without - makes me start to feel choked, and makes my heart starts pounding. I had hoped that by blogging about it, I would get past it, but so far no.

On the bright side, after I left the MRI lab, I had to go across the street to have my yearly mammogram. After the MRI panic attack, the mammogram was a piece of cake.

Thank God my boobs aren't claustrophobic.