Thanksgiving Rules

A friend recently forwarded one of those jokey lists of Thanksgiving Rules that usually goes around this time of year. Things like, 'Don't hold up the line by asking "Who made this?"' or "The prayer should last no longer than 1 minute." It was kind of funny and I could relate to a few of them. But it got me thinking about Thanksgivings Past with my extended family on my mother's side (people whom, for the most part, I'm most thankful that I will never ever have to spend another Thanksgiving with again), and I knew that I could come up with my own list, which I've shared below.

1. Only 10% of the words in your prayer can be “Lord”, “God”, “Father” or “Jesus.” Any more than that will trigger an electrical current attached to your chair that will shock the BeJesus (or BeLord) out of you. (This rule due to my holy-roller/hypocrite cousin's penchant for prayers that go like this – “Lord, today Lord, we just, Lord, want to Lord, thank you Lord, for all the things, Lord, that you, Lord, have given us, Lord. And Lord, um, Lord, we appreciate, Lord, this food, Lord, that you, Lord, have given us Lord…….etc, etc. for 15 minutes.)

2. Once at least one of the following is applicable to you or your life - you are over 30, have a job, own a home, are married, and/or have children - you can no longer show up with one 2-litre bottle of Kroger brand cola (with the Buy 1, Get 1 Free sticker still affixed) as your only offering to the potluck dinner based on the excuse that you are still 'one of the kids' and either don’t know how to cook or can't afford anything more.

3. Bringing empty Cool Whip containers to take away left-overs does not constitute bringing a ‘dish.’


4. While you should not hold up the line by questioning every dish with a "Who made this" or "What's in that?" it is still acceptable to discretely ask which dish crazy aunt Bess* brought, because crazy aunt Bess is known for mixing whatever is just past expiring in her pantry and crisper all together in a Pyrex dish and throwing cheese over the top and calling it "Aunt Bess's Casserole Surprise". (The surprise usually being E coli or Salmonella.) *name changed to protect the recently departed.

5. Just because you don’t like dark meat, does not mean that no one else does either, so do not think for a moment that it is OK for you to take the entire left over turkey leg home with you to give to your dog.

6. On the flip side, do not assume that you are the only one that likes dark meat either, and take the whole turkey leg as your serving. This ain’t the Renaissance Faire, and while you might look like it from the rear, you ain’t Henry VIII.


7. When hitting up elderly relatives for loans during the meal, remember that it is in poor taste to stop making regular payments to them in anticipation of their death if they are hospitalized at anytime prior to repayment of said loan.

8. If you are going to bad mouth other relatives on the ride over to dinner, please instruct your children not to repeat the comments to said relative’s children when playing out in the yard, unless you are fully prepared to get over it when the child of the badmouthed relative punches your kid in the mouth for saying that their Daddy was always a big baby because he cried in the middle of the night the first time that he spent the night at your house when he was 4 years old. (And by the way, anyone that would make fun of a four year old for being scared in a strange place was assuredly a big enough ass - even at the age of 7 - that a child of any age, and probably most adults, would have cried if forced to spend the night at your house.)

9. If the driveway is wide enough to park two vehicles, then pick a side. Do not park in the middle of the driveway, almost at the end, so that all the others that arrive after you are forced to park in the street and carry all their food up the long driveway (especially since they all actually bring multiple food items to share and not just a two-litre bottle of Kroger brand cola.) Also, if you know that you will be leaving early to go visit your 4th husband/live-in boyfriend's family (where you will undoubtedly take the other Buy 1, Get 1 Free Kroger brand cola as your 'dish'), go on and park in the street and not in the front parking spot where it will require everyone who arrived after you to have to get up and go outside to move their cars for you to get out, just as they are ready to sit down to eat or watch the ballgame.

10. If all the football fans are gathered in a room watching the game, and other, non-football watching people are in another room, it is not OK to come into the non-football room and turn on the TV to the same damn game that is being viewed in the other room and then turning up the volume in an effort to drown out the talk of the others. Go in the other room with the football people.

So there it is - Hope you enjoy.

And hope that you (all 3 of you) have a Happy Thanksgiving.